Religious Malaise
I just read C.S Lewis' The Screwtape Letters and I'm thoroughly moved, though I feel this may not be such a good thing. It just makes me feel the Christian religion is one gigantic paradox and urges me on to reject everything, including any organized religion in general.
It is extremely difficult to maintain so many fronts to so many people; for some, this will be with regards to their personality; for yet others, this will be their tastes. For me, it is my religion. I simply do not know what I believe in. I'm tired of having to deny reason for faith in a God, who supposedly created me with an intellect to choose between right and wrong. I'm tired of looking at all the faces in church, knowing that I cannot ask anyone, no not one, of these lovely [and not so lovely] people for an answer. I'm tired of going to church, hearing sermon after sermon, having these doubts ring clearly in my mind, seeing preacher after preacher teaching paradox and flimsy doctrine.
I guess you'd think I'm atheist. But a part of me doesn't want to identify with the atheists I see either. Especially not with the likes of Richard Dawkins or Sam Harris, who are as fundamentalist as my church pastor or ex-president Bush. Moreso, not with the likes of putting up offensive sign boards knowing the effects.
I've been so called "born and raised" in a Christian home, with parents who believe the Bible to be the inerrant word of God, almost to the letter. They believe that Christianity is a relationship with the Hebrew Creator God, who is both simultaneously and distinctly, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. I would love to go into a couple of other things, but I'm afraid it will simply turn into an affirmation of their beliefs, of which I can't be 100% certain about anyway, since I don't feel at liberty to discuss them at all.
My father is dead serious about his faith and he dismisses everything from homosexuality to evolution, justifying that this is biblical. He reads the Bible rather diligently, spends time in prayer, and has a saintly way about him most times. My mother on the other hand, believes nearly the exact same things, but she will admit she hasn't read through the Bible even at least once. She echoes very often what she hears in the church and quotes scripture to back up her sometimes scary position on things like rebellious children (eagles will gouge out your eyes / take them to the courtyard and stone them). There feels nothing religiously saintly about her, but she does have a kind heart. And she is, like my dad, fundamentally a "good" person—a generally non-malicious, occasionally charitable person. They also attend church regularly, every Sunday in fact.
There are right now so many of Christian-Atheist arguments coupled in my head that I feel really lost and in need of someone to perhaps talk it through with. Yes, I said coupled, almost like particle and anti-particle, entangled in the mysterious mass of consciousness which is merely a speck in the vast unfathomable universe. Every Christian argument I see, I chance upon or seek out a natural/rational one; every atheist one, I come across a faith based argument, that leads nowhere but often is equally intellectually dishonest.
I know all these sounds woozy since there is really little evidence. But it's hard to make an argument when your head isn't clear, when you don't have a side, when nothing but you is at stake.
What I would really love to do is just say, to everyone, for now I'm not sure whether I believe in God or not. Or if it is the Christian God. An increased awareness, about the natural world and organized religion has done away with everything that ever once held me to this faith: the argument from creation, miracles and signs, absolute morality, timelessness of the holy book, the blessedness of the saints, the power of prayer...
And if God so does exist and love me like you claim He does, I'm sure he will find His way to tell me. Are you not confident in His ability, such that you have to perpetually lend Him a hand? I just ask, no more forcing, no more invisible pressure to keep silent, or to say graces, or observe petty rituals that are not even in the Bible anyway. There's no need to pray for my soul; rather pray for your own, since you live by a standard that is above this world, and depending on what else you may believe in, there may or may not be enough grace there for you.
3 comments:
Well, you may not like Harris or Dawkins, but to call them "fundamentalist" is either silly (in that it draws unjustified comparisons between atheism and religion) or trivial (all atheists are "fundamentalist" in the same way that scientists are "fundamentalist" about believing in ghosts and psychic phenomena, i.e., show us the evidence or of course we won't accept your claims).
I don't know how you can portray the usual philosophical arguments against the existence of God as intellectually dishonest (or maybe you haven't seen these). The whole idea of the god of the Bible (omniscient, omnipotent, omnibenevolent) is a non-starter, not even requiring a counterargument to refute it, as these traits combine to form something that is no more logically tenable than, say, a flat sphere.
Deism, of course, or merely admitting to not knowing what, if anything, preceded the Big Bang (space-time may in fact be a manifold without real boundaries and hence may be "timeless") is a much different prospect. But claims on behalf of any specific text-based deity are universally rooted in wishful thinking. The key parts of the Bible itself were pimped from pre-existing texts, and Jesus is undeniably based on Horus and similar mythical characters.
Sorry to ramble, but I can't help but point out to people when they are falsely equivocating under the aegis of fair-mindedness. Huge cultural and early-life influences are the only reason so many of us fail to see that atheism and theism are hardly two sides of the same coin, any more than believing in Santa and not believing are on equal footing merely because neither side can technically "prove" its position.
I'm amazed how you found my blog and even bothered to comment! Thanks for the ideas. Of course I don't agree with everything but I'd love to hear more if you happen to pop by here again. (:
Call it silly or trivial, I still find Harris and Dawkins blatantly "fundamentalist". I understand of course that atheism tries to separate itself from religion and rightly so. However, you must acknowledge that the way these champions of atheism are campaigning against religion really resembles how religious "fundamentalists" appeal to their converts.
This of course does not change the strength of their arguments and propositions.
Maybe the word has a different nuance for you than it has for me, considering that we live in very different parts of the world?
I don't think I portrayed the usual philosophical arguments against God as intellectually dishonest. I haven't mentioned any arguments at all in fact. Also, not all Christians believe in an omniscient, omnipotent, and omnibenevolent god in the way you describe.
Of course, I'm sure you were just stating a simple example here, since you go on to deism.
You are ultimately right to point out that huge cultural and early-life influences shape our religious identity. But only to an extent. Such could be said about any preference at all. I never meant to seem "fair-minded" when I was writing this post. In fact I remember being rather confused.
I think atheists really try to distinguish themselves—and apparently enjoy doing so—from the religious people too much, to a point that is quite ridiculous. Atheism and theism are only meaningful in how they are embodied by their proponents, and if you'll allow me, in opposition to each other. Sure, the idea that "there is no God" would stand whether or not there are religious people. But without the theists, this idea would not need to be championed, espoused, or embossed in a large red "A" on t-shirts selling for $20.
Sorry to ramble too ;)
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